I know its been a long time since I have wrote down my thoughts. I have had some quite mind blowing experiences this past week. I watched a webinar on depression and anxiety. I started LISTENING to the people around me more instead of waiting to reply. Watching. Paying attention to others needs for once instead of worrying about how it will affect ME in the end…and these may seem ljke small things to others, but for me, its huge! For who I am, its huge! Lol I have really learned how loved I am. How I am surrounded by people that know me, and know when I’m not being myself. The real me isn’t angry, or sad, the real me makes people laugh, because I know what its like to be sad. The real me gives advice, makes someone smile, because being angry is draining. Resting bitch face has been glued to me. Thats not me. When your body and mind are sending signs, listen to the signs! If you are feeling stressed, anxious, sad, or uncomfortable in a situation…change it. If you have to admit that you are the reason….admit it! Whatever the reason that darkness (depression) starts seeping in….pay attention to the signs and move. Whatever you are burdening, face it! Even if it is yourself, fight! I always strive to be someones sunshine, I know who I am very well, and when I start becoming someone else, I can feel it. I hate who I am when I am depressed. I push through it, because giving up is not an option! I am stronger than I know, I realise this everyday! I only surround myself with people who support and encourage me, it helps! No room for negativity on my journey! I have too many goals💓 I feel so blessed😚 its just something special each time I have a break through! This is MY journey and I am in control! I know who I am and no one can tell me any different😎 seeing others smile because of me, well, thats just plain awesome and I will keep reaching! Joy.

One thing is for sure…depression disorder will ALWAYS have you thinking! Sometimes my thoughts wander so far, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing sometimes. I used to have a lot of bad days in my life and I was consumed in anger, self hate and had just given up pretty much. I thought that my life couldn’t be any better, that this depression disorder defined who I am…but thats not necessarily all true. Although there will be days that I will wake up sad, or aggravated for no reason, lol, or symptoms of anxiety will kick in, I will never stop fighting again. I look at things in a different perspective now. The clouds will always come, but the sun always comes too! I like sunny days the most! So when I feel “bad” I push through until the sunlight comes back. Always look on the bright side of life! I’ve realised a lot of truths about myself that I think will help me! Mainly, that I am selfish! That was a hard pill to swallow but man is it so true! Its always been about how I feel….no wonder I push people away. I’ve just been observing life lately, and people around me, I’ve gotten them to open up about how they see me…it was intensely eye opening. I have to change it. People literally walk on egg shells around me, they avoid certain subjects to avoid upsetting me…man. I dont want that. I need to change. I need to be sefless instead of selfish. Quick to listen and less quick to react. Just thoughts.

Hello everyone! I’m Laura, I suffer on a daily basis from a depression disorder. Its not an easy life. Those who suffer will know this. The constant feelings, the never ending thoughts in your head, feeling worthless and unlovable. Feeling like you are judged constantly. There are so many things I could go on and on…but for me, the worst feeling, is that you are alone in this world and everyone is against you. I will share my testamonies on a daily basis so you can see life from my perspective. I will share things that beat me down in life, and everything that I have overcome. Things that I have put others through, my life. I can tell you how I personally have come to understand my own sickness and things that I do understanding myself better. How I had to get to know me, and love me. Anyway, thats just it…lol I’m going to babble away because its my blog! Much love and enjoy!💓🎤

I really want to reflect on attitude today. I feel like most everything in life is a reflection of what attitude we have towards it. I used to be the most spoiled brat..lol. Still am in alot of ways. My attitude was horrible! I was angry. Whenever something came up that I got emotional about, man, the angry attitude came out. I have suffered from anxiety most of my life and in the past, it has had complete control over me. The problem wasnt just that I had anxiety, it was that I reacted to every situation, when honesty, every situation doesnt deserve a reaction! I now know myself and my feelings well enough to determine what deserves a reaction and what doesn’t. I have really surprised myself in a lot of situations! But in the end, I felt a lot better about myself for not letting it get the best of me. Remember in every day life that your mental health is so important! Baby your mind! Peace is better than drama! Know your mind and what you are worth. Everything doesnt deserve a reaction in life! Dont get worked up over every single thing. Self love. Self work. Self discipline. SELF. Treat yourself awesome. 💓

Well, people. Thats my topic today. Bipolar depression disorder vs. People in everyday life. If anyone knows me they know that I love people! Actually, people are my happy place…..sometimes. I actually have always dreamed of doing something to help others, to benefit others. I love making people smile and laugh! Mostly because I know what its like to be sad, so I try to help others forget their worries for a while by making them laugh:) its who I am. But add a depression disorder to the equation….and its another whole ball game!😰😰 you never know when it will poke its ugly head out. Sometimes people feel like too much. Sometimes I just dont want to face anyone. Its the worst feeling in the world. Its dark, its lonely, its hurtful. Not just to me myself, but its hard for other people to understand too. I’ve lost plenty of friends because of it. People don’t understand why you canceled plans, or why you cant come over, or why the calls and texts stop for extended amounts of time. When you go to this place of solitude, this alone time, its lonely. All the thoughts in your head tell you, you are alone. That no one cares. That no one is in your corner. You feel like no one tries to be there for you. When in all actuality, they never went anywhere….you did. I found out the hard way how to know when people are there for you. I have a small circle and it consists of my family and close friends. Although they may not understand my illness completely, they know who I am and they are there, even when I recluse, they are there. I understand now how hard I have to fight just to be myself. The real me is happy go lucky and joking and smiling. I’m not a serious person..haha. Depression may play a huge role in my life, but it wont define who I really am. I have just accepted that, well, its something I have to live with. Its a roller coaster ride of emotions! Just thoughts. Hope it helps.

Lets talk about manic episodes! Does anyone else know what I’m talking about! Man they can be a bitch! I’m talking either small or big, they are no fun. Its like, you feel so strongly about something, and I mean so strongly that it can be detrimental if you act on it in that moment or if you don’t act on it! (Try not to make decisions during these episodes. Wait until your mind clears!) You can easily tell when its about to happen, the anxiety kicks in, your thoughts are out of control, your heart beats faster, you can’t breathe….anxiety plays such a big factor in going through life with a depression disorder! You get everything at once! Yay us! Lol manic episodes can come in so may ways. Pay attention to yourself and your feelings! Try to surround yourself with positivity, even if it sickens you! Lol people don’t know how to “fix” you, the truth is, we dont know either! But I can tell you this, you CAN get your life back and you CAN live! My anxiety comes out in outbursts, I’ve been working on changing this! I have no filter so how I feel comes out regardless. I will always be an upfront honest person and you will always get the truth as an answer from me. But my aim has never been to be an angry person. I feel like I still have a lot that I hold onto that gives me anger and I dont know how to just let go. I’m working on that too. Honestly, I’ve been focussing on myself for a while now. I feel like its hard to be there for anyone else if I cant conquer my own inner demons. I always liked the song little mermaid “part of your world”, it relates to how I feel in so many ways! I constantly feel like I am under water, and what I would give to just be a normal person and, part of your world💓